Missiles In The Air / Mutually Assured Destruction #25

So, tonight, I took a very large step.

Albeit a staggering one.

I texted someone and asked them for The Score. After several Buds.

Why?

I felt I was owed an explanation. There was a Moment and a lot got left unsaid. Now it's been said.

I can't help but feel I've not so much closed a window, as smashed it with a brick and boarded over it. 

Part of me is glad - It's out. It's black and white. I can't misinterpret texts, gestures, signals, anything like that.

So why the FUCK is part of me cold inside?

Have I seriously been clinging to some misguided fucking hope that I may have any sort of chance with this woman?

Later, I have a lot of explaining to do. Said explanation will probably involve the words "Dutch courage."

If I keep telling myself I now know, and thats what I wanted, I might believe it.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE PATHETIC!" #24

You know what moment when the elephant in the room suddenly becomes addressed?

Like in episode one, season two of How I Met Your Mother. Marshall and Lily had broken up, Marshall plans to go down to the hotel room she's "staying" in (If you've not been watching it, its 7 years old! Where have you been?!) and Ted (Voiced by Bob Saget) says "56 days. That's how long it took me to get right about here: BECAUSE YOU'RE PATHETIC!"

Marshall shoots Ted the most disgusted look (Great acting by Jason Segel and Josh Radnor), Ted immediately lays the score down to Marshall.

I lost count of the number of times I've watched it and each time, it still hits me like a truck.

I've never lost Alyson Hannigan, but it just reminds me of the kind of spineless jellyfish I become after every blown relationship.

...

I shouldn't feel like this.

I can feel however I want to feel.

Should is a bad word where feelings are concerned.

I just...

I have nothing. Not nothing nothing but...

I'm jobless. Absolutely zip in terms of career prospects. I also have less than nothing when it comes to relationship prospects.

...

Why can't I just be fucking happy?

Without a Title #22

It's really been that long since I posted... August 11th? Good lord!

Well, thanks to my new meds the weight lost hasn't gone quite as planned.

It's actually going fucking backwards and I've put on a stone.

This in and of itself has been enough to get me feeling pretty shitty recently (as you can imagine) and I am left at a loose end as to what exactly to do about it (apart from the unhelpful option of eating more) Still, in that sense it is at least my own doing. After all, one cannot get fat if one doesn't put food into ones mouth.

Sede Vacante has passed so I can now no longer use that as an excuse for not doing stuff...

I'm left asking, quite simply:

Where has my drive for things gone? 

I have moments where I flare into life, then as quickly as the drive flares up, it is extinguished.

(Why, why, WHY has iTunes decided to play a Christmas song?)

This then brings me to my next worry; the Xmas party.

Readers of my blog may recall a wedding a year or so back, (probably linked to my feelings of her and that girl) And said couple are now expecting a human-baby-child.

Looking down the Facebook guest list reads like a very depressing story for a singleton.

Married couple. Couple. Couple. Couple. Couple. Couple.

Only one other single person on the list.

I don't fear a matchmaking;  I fear a general questioning of my obviously declining social standing (as nightly high as ever it was)

Part of me wants to go. The part I should probably listen to. The part of me that can accept being the last one jobless/single/still at home. He'll probably have an amazing time seeing old friends and meeting the new ones brought into the group.

Ha. The Group. The collective of 6 friends; three awkward boys from one school, three slightly less awkward girls from a different one, joined by some strange and contrived reason.

The Group now consists of (mostly) co-habiting couples, talking couple things like house prices.

(At this point it should be noted; I had planned to talk more at length about what has gone on, but the mood fled like a morning lover and I was left in the bed, sheets soiled and regrets left unspoken. I find the growing and tiresome inevitability of my situation too much to run from sometimes. Sometimes I think it may be easier if I just stand still and allow the beast to tackle me, savagely pull me down and tear into the remnants of my soul. Who knows. Maybe there is in fact, nothing wrong with me, and I am forever stuck to repeat the same fucked up loop of life.)

A quick post #23

With the 12 or so remaining minutes of battery life left on this laptop--

...

0:09 minutes as I am now reliably informed.

I have just had a moment.

"That's not unusual." I head you say, in your bold-type.

0:08.

Yes, it is.

0:07.

I've never placed myself as 'normal.' Normal doesn't exist in my mind, both as a regular and mentally ill person. Normal means as much to me as 'nice.' (I will elaborate on 'nice' at a later date.)

0:06.

Okay, so.

I'm wrestling in my head with this self-obsessed, whingy, asinine and nonsensical conflict over (What else) a woman.

0:05 (Yes computer I know don't fucking count down!)

We knew each other once, a while ago, about the time I was dating The Ex. 

0:04.

0:03.

So, I asked myself "What am I scared of?" (Well, I asked 'what are YOU scared of?' but...)

I thought to myself "Maybe it'll be good for me. She's nouveau Bohemian,  maybe I need to get back to my artistic roots.

Then I asked...

Am I too old to be Bohemian?

(Computer dies)

Happy New Year! #21

Well, there is 7 3 minutes left of my current 'Epochs' I am now referring to as "years" (edit: by the time I found the word I wanted to use instead of Epoch was not a word, it was 4 minutes past!)

So, in preparation for tomorrows 'Video for a year's time to myself', here is the vital stats for the 8th Age of Nick...

I am Nick. I am currently 25 years old. I weigh 13st 2lb 2oz. I am 5' 7" tall. I suffer from several medical conditions, including but to limited to; scoliosis, depression and, if my BMI is to be believed, I am overweight.

August 12th 2013 is the dawn of this new age, the 8th Age of Nick. Not currently available to the public, this software patch will contain the following changes;

1. Dietary alterations.
2. Exercise that is consistent and challenging.
3. A general and completely natural boosting in self-confidence and energy levels.
4. Character skills inclusions such as martial arts.
5. The removal of inappropriate and unhelpful medicine.
6. The possibility of getting more sleep.

Alpha testing begins august 12th to November 12th.
Challenge: to lose 1 stone in weight OR 2" from my waist.

More news on November 12th.

Sunday Sermon #20

Okay. So it's been a while since I've posted up here.

Aaaand on Friday night, I had my first major panic attack.

I Can still feel the knots twisting in my insides, the muscles in my back contracting and I'm still desperate to let out the howl of pain and anger trapped in my chest.

I thought I had a grip on my mental health, and then my sanity slips on me like that.

Wednesday Wambling... (Yes, I know, it's lame...) #19

Holy shit, guys! July already?!

Who's got 2013 stuck on Fast Forward?!

So, one of the most AMAZING weekends EVER has come to an end... Curious Yellow Weekend 2013.

First Festival Gig - Check.

Two Gigs in One Day - Check.

Three (Well, two and a half) Awesome Recording Sessions - Check.

So, why the fuck am I now feeling like shit (besides the overdose of pizza and beers) ?

... My life is not bad, you guys!

I've had one of the best weekends I could ever hope to have and yet... I feel flat.

What's wrong with me?!

I've thought at times I should give up on this...

Maybe this is the sign...

Who knows.