Saturday, 30 March 2013

Saturday Scratchings #9

So... A whole week without a Blog post - Bet you'd all wondered where I'd gone... No? Nevermind.

"So... What's been happening?" I hear you ask...

Not a lot worth talking about really... Nothing of any major interest (save for a few hobby items which I will discuss at a later date) and the next week will more than likely be spent preparing for the 4 day weekend I'm having in Cambridge.

Lots of music, geekery, ale, fun times, analysation of Firefly, DVD marathons... All this in a long weekend.

Yes, it can be done. Yes, it will be done.

I just hope the next 6 days pass swiftly but with purpose.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Sunday Scribble #8

So... Sunday.

Snow on the ground.

Someone's house alarm blaring away (probably due to the high winds - this is the 2nd/3rd time in 12 hours)

*turns on iTunes to counter the sirensong*

Ah, The Bad Shepherds.

I've recently taken steps to start being weaned off the antidepressants I've been taking since July last year. Hopefully this attempt will go better than the last one, where my former GP told me to "Skip taking 1 every other day" which lead to very erratic sleep patterns and nightmares.

I thought I had a withdrawal headache yesterday, but reports of "wanting to die to stop the pain" are apparently over-exaggerated.

"Discontinuation" is causing a very dry mouth, and also, causing reality to become slightly frayed at the edges - I feel as though I am moving a lot slower than I actually am. This is going to be due to the 37.5mg drop of Effexor taking effect in my bloodstream.

Perhaps a song needs to be written re: discontinuing... Who knows.

Finally got an appointment to go and talk about setting up the recording job / record label.

Pleasantly surprised at my recent impetus to paint (and paint well it has to be added) - Considering offering commission works if I can find some people wanting armies painted to a good quality (this would also involve my armies being finished so... Who knows about that too haha!)

Doing my best to NOT play Silly Buggers, and hopefully, sticking to it.

Currently also coming to a better understanding of myself as a person. The more I understand of Objectivist philosophy, the more I come to regard it as "The Absolute Truth" I will carry forward with me. 
As such, and thanks to having plenty of time to think recently, I've decided to organise humanity (including those closest to me) as 'looters' and 'producers'.

The 'looters' out there are all out to benefit from the work of the producers (It's essentially the principle Communism is based on - Each contributes as per his skill, but each takes as per his need.) 
The looters of this world do not contribute equal to their own needs. 
The looter will take advantage of a person when that person is in a position to be taken advantage of.
Once the looter has taken what he or she needs from any given victim, they will leave, then blaming the victim for having no more to give, be that money, time, resources etc. 
The looter will demand more of the producer than he will demand of himself. 
This way of living is ultimately flawed as the looters will eventually run out of victims, and will be unable to sustain themselves any longer. To the looters, I say this: You will not take from me without offering in return. I am not yours to bleed as you see fit.

The 'producers' of this world are the ones who will go out and give to the world around them, be that time, money, resources etc. 
A producer understands what it is to stand on their own, to take their own grasp of life, and to reach for something besides a hand-out. 
A producer, through moral fibre, altruism or sheer bloodymindedness to give more to the world than they themselves receive, understands the vulnerability of the human soul.
A producer will not ask for aid or favour from any other person; the producer will always offer a trade in it's place. 
While I may not always agree with the producers altruism to feed those too idle to feed themselves, I say this: You are my brothers and my sisters. I will co-opt from you as you co-opt from me; freely, honestly, and without the need for begging.

And to the few friends who read this: Consider carefully which sort of friend you may be. Some of you will know instinctively; many of you will not. Some of you will care; many of you will not. Some of you may even consider calling me out on what I define you as; most of you will not. 

But to those few brave enough to ask what I think of you, I admire your courage. By your actions will you know your answer.
As to the rest of you, in lacking in action, you too will know your answer.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Wednesday Waffle #7

"Nick, this is you speaking.

Yes, I know, it's insane to talk to yourself as comprehensively as this.

I'm that strange, unused place in your brain.

The bit you would normally use for rational thought.

You remember me, right?

...

There's the realisation!

Listen to me, Nick, and listen good.

You're starting to slip back into 'Silly Bastard' mode again.

I will NOT accept that. Do NOT back-slide, you dumb oaf!

Before you now do or say anything:

Stop.

Focus.

Think.

Now, I'm off to play with the Circadian Rhythm controls again. Toodle-oo!"


Refer me back to this as often as it takes for the message to sink in, please. (Yes, I mean you. You know who you are, the one person who reads my blog...)

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Tuesday Twaddle (Cont'd) #6

So yes, after a rather surprising day, in which I secured a phone call tomorrow (Wednesday 20th) about getting my record label / mobile recording studio started...

Here I sit.

Feeling like 2lbs of shite in a 1lb bag.

Seriously, whats wrong with me...

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Some people are able to not live their life with their emotions stapled to their skin.

They don't have to fight off every urge imaginable to punch themselves so hard in the face they simultaneously fracture their own knuckles and cheekbones.

I really wish I didn't always have to wear my heart on the outside, but I've never known any different.

So... Yeah.

Monday, 18 March 2013

Monday Moan / Tuesday Twaddle #5

Technically, it is Tuesday, but my brain is still in Monday.

Tonight's tune of choice: 'Black Velvet' - Alannah Myles (No, Blogger, don't lie and tell me I spelled her first name wrongly!) I love the song, and I do miss playing it live...

Which brings me onto my first moaning point:

I have about 2 and a bit weeks...

*checks iCal*

*spends 5 minutes fixing iCal events that have gone wrong*

*corrects to 10 minutes*

I have two weeks and four (sorry, three!) days to learn two set lists, write close to 20 bass lines and memorise them... So I thought I would tackle this as soon as possible.

So, I took up my bass, the song, and the chords and...

...

Exactly. Where DOES a good bass line come from? :-
1) The musical talent? Sadly, lacking.
2) Ones talent to playing an instrument? Again, sadly lacking. I will acknowledge, I can play very well. I find myself lacking any improvisational skills.
3) The song itself? The song is a piece for solo voice and guitar. Finding a bass line that will endeavour to not draw attention from the lyrics is tough.

I've currently resigned myself to playing root notes, which is so unbelievably mind-numbingly dull it makes me want to break an arm or perform cranial drill intrusion to reduce myself to a level of playing where finding and following root notes was a challenge...!

I've never considered myself dexterous or musically gifted, but I hold my playing in higher value than someone who was lumbered with playing the bass because it was the last instrument left to play in the band, or because playing the guitar was too difficult, and root notes feels like an absolute fucking cop out!

I feel so much like Angron today; bitter, broken, twisted... I can feel so much vile anger in my chest, like a solid, tennis ball sized mass. It's stopping me from switching off, if indeed I've ever been able to switch off. It's leaking some foul, bitter fluid into my blood, setting the muscles in my arms aflame, making me want to ball my hands into fists, to scream in frustration and initiate a short, sharp, bloody and expensive, whirlwind of destruction in which items both highly valued and highly valuable will be smashed into component parts and defenestrated...

So, why do I feel this way? Is my inability to write a creative, subtle bass line REALLY causing me so much anger? I'd be a fool to think so.

Is this the real me? a diminutive, perpetually angry little boy?

Is it the alcohol? Has my recent tee-totalism, followed by my even more recent few drinks, just tipped me over the edge?

Is it something more? Am I coming closer to needing a priest rather than a therapist?

Is it a simple case of cabin fever? The sight of the same four walls driving me to distraction?

I have more questions than I have answers.

Perhaps the best idea would be for me to have The Butcher's Nails installed, given two oversized chain axes and sent on a murderous rampage until armed response police shot me dead...

Who knows?

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Wednesday Wibble #4

"The Whale Has Swallowed Me" by Hugh Laurie is drifting from my laptop speakers.

I'm contemplating going to be very early, but I know I still won't sleep until very late.

Then again, if I stay up late, I will have nothing to do with my evening.

The nicks in my fingers from two successive slips with a new craft knife blade are very tender. In future I must remember to be less clumsy.

As is so often the case recently, my mind is elsewhere: to thoughts of wargaming; to her; to the upcoming gig...

The gig.

It feels like far longer than June 2011 since my last one...

My word. So much has happened.

I'm certain the old magic is still there - I just have to not be overconfident and actually PUT THE TIME INTO PRACTICING!

I'm completely calm about the whole prospect.

What a lie. I'm bricking it.

Group therapy has come to a conclusion. The next hurdle? Psych assessment.

With the excessive levels of self-doubt I have displayed of late, part of me wonders: Is this really necessary?

I'm clearly mad as a brush.

Who else (Besides Stu Hamm) would attempt to learn to play Moonlight Sonata on the bass guitar?

There is also the part of me that, above all else, utterly regrets throwing up my hands and asking for help.

Why? It's always good to get help for this sort of thing! I hear you shout (or words to the effect of)

True. I'm grateful to all the friends and professionals who have helped me get through this last 13 months and counting. And yes, some of the happier moments of my life have occurred in the last 13 months...

I have, however, had (more than) my fair share of shit.

I miss the bliss in being completely ignorant to my condition.

While I relish the clear-mindedness my medication has given me, I also miss being able to tune shit out or put it to the back of my mind.

I also despise the fact that I was forcibly disrobed of my emotional armour, forced to admit I needed help, then trodden on by an oath-breaking, cradle-snatching, devious harpy, whom, it should be noted, still has many of my clothes! Oh well, I hope she's either burned them or feels like a bitch whenever she sees them.

In much the same way that you don't ask a person who you gave a plaster to, to return it; I don't want them back after that bitch has had them.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Saturday Scrutiny #3

So today is part-psychological and part-hobby blog.

Firstly, I've been crippled by so much self doubt recently... I mean, yes, I'm being realistic in trying to tone down an "Ideal" scenario of all possible variables, but it seems that my brain cannot cope with being rational and so, has decided to throw itself into 'Scumbag' mode and show me the worst possible outcome. And for me, the most annoying part is that my brain is lying to me. It's telling me it knows what's going on in her head when it doesn't even know what IT is thinking. Maybe this is my body's reaction to the lack of energy drinks this past week... Well, 'Scumbag Brain', there's no more energy drinks coming. Period. So buck the f*ck up and stop being a tw*t to me re: this situation.

And now for the fun part - The hobby blog section!

So, with the recent release of the Chaos Daemons new rulesets for Warhammer 40k (and Fantasy) I've picked up daemons to add to the already huge list of army projects.

This list is as follows:

Chaos Space Marines - Word Bearers Legion. Recent new additions include 10 Chaos Terminators and 10 Warp Talons. I'm also currently building a Chaos Vindicator and Forgefiend to include in as Heavy Support choices. These, along with some Chaos Cultists I'm on with assembling, are forming the basis of my Word Bearers army. As an Undivided Legion (they pray equally to all four Chaos Gods and thus, gain no specific favour from any God) the potential for variety in Word Bearers is much greater than in one of the four Monotheistic legions (World Eater = Khorne, Death Guard = Nurgle, Thousand Sons = Tzeentch, Emperor's Children = Slaanesh) and as such, two squads are already showing varied Marks of Chaos; My Warp Talons have the Mark of Tzeentch (making their 5+ Daemon invulnerable save into a 4+, thereby increasing their survival percentage vs. high Strength/AP weapons from 33% to 50%) and a squad of Chaos Marines have the Mark of Khorne (Given as a fluff factor - the squad themselves are all armed with close combat weapons and are built with pieces of Khorne Berserkers interlaced. This is to show their slide from Word Bearers into Berserkers in the future. It also gives them  +2 Attacks on the charge and a +1 Attack bonus when charged, and with the Khorne Icon, they are given a +1 Strength boost to go with their +2 Attacks when they charge!) The Army itself is based partly on the 17th Legion's forces mentioned in the Know No Fear: The Battle for Calth book, with more Daemon units to be added in the future, such as Mutilators, Obliterators, a Heldrake etc.

Dark Angels - This is the last vestige of my Imperial allegiances, and damned strong ones they are too! With the release of the Dark Angels ruleset at the beginning of the year, the army itself received a long-awaited update, as well as adding in several new units I was eager to get ahold of. The army (Totalling some 5000 points or more) is predominantly based on the 1st and 2nd Companies (Deathwing and Ravenwing respectively) as well as adding in Tactical and Scout marines to round out the force and for use in smaller points games where manpower is more important than armour value! Recent additions include Ravenwing Black Knights, Deathwing Knights and another Tactical Squad from the Dark Vengeance boxset.

Dark Eldar - To begin with, these guys were bought solely as an Ally for the Chaos Marines a la 6th Edition rules, but the army is growing in size and stature (a lot of it still in boxes) and is akin to Urien Rakarth's 'Prophets of the Flesh' coven of Haemonculi, with units including Wracks, a Talos and a Chronos engine, Kabalite Trueborn and Reaver jetbikers. The army is being designed with the premise that if one moves fast enough, the enemy fire can be avoided and the flesh stripped from their bones before they can cry out for mercy.

Necrons - An army brought from 5th Edition, these guys are using Anrakyr and Szeras as their leaders, forming them into mighty and agile force. Rounded out with 2 Night Scythes, Tomb Blades, Triarch Stalkers and Canoptek Wraiths, these guys are also about speed, but their speed is leant a heavy hand on arrival when the Immortals are disgorged from the Scythes to target enemies with the help of the Triarch Stalkers!

Chaos Daemons - Currently consisting of the bare minimum of units, these guys are going to be developed into another hard hitting force; one that is less reliant on speed and more reliant on extreme application of force en masse, though they will mostly be allied to my Word Bearers, helping the narrative nature of the 17th Legion as Daemonancers.

Ogre Kingdoms - These are my primary Fantasy beasts and OH MY WORD (Bearers!) Do I LOVE these guys! These guys are WAY bigger than ANYTHING else in the Fantasy world and they intend to make it known! Tactics with these guys will need to be re-evaluated with the introduction of several huge pieces of war materiel, but I intend to hammer my future opponents into mush!

Orcs and Goblins - Started as a change from the Ogres, I've decided to get away from the "Standard" nature of Orcs (if their is such a thing) and base it on a loosely connected network of war bands gathering under one Warboss (or Wurrzag) to bring WAAAGH! to the Old World!

These are just a few of the MANY projects I have running, and in future, I may discuss more of my armies, but for now, thank you for allowing me to bore you with my psychotic ramblings...