Also henceforth known as The Reversal of Fortune.
So, on Saturday, after a particularly long spell of confinement, and a slight attack of cabin fever (The psuedo-psychological condition, not the film, though that was a pretty shitty film) I decided to amble to town to sell some video games I no longer played.
Side-step to last August - After a particularly messy argument with my ex, which ended when she began ignoring me, I decided to go on what I called a life spree, doing things that made me feel awesome and alive, determined to not let her bring me down again. This included new clothes, recording an album, a friends wedding and This Girl. Ah, This Girl... This Girl is the name given to a girl I had seen several times on my local bus but had never had the balls to talk to at the time. Having found out a few weeks before hand that she and I shared a mutual friend, I took it upon myself to add This Girl on Facebook, with the intention to get to know her etc etc. We got talking, met up for a drink and ended it the next morning at breakfast. We then had a clunky few weeks talking before she left town.
Back to Saturday...
So, This Girl gets on my bus. With a pushchair. With a child in it. A young child, possibly a month or so old. With very dark hair. I myself am dark haired (as you may or may not know) and, given the length of time between intimate encounter and now, the alarm bells went off...
The air evaporates from my lungs. My mouth resembles the Sahara. My heart decides it wants to join Dragonforce as a drummer and raises it's speed. She sees me and waves. She sits down with me and we talk. My tensions are put to rest when she tells me its her sisters n-th baby (2nd or 3rd, I wasn't really paying attention at that moment!) and I relax as we chat. We talk about the time that's passed since our brief encounter, what we've been upto and so forth. We arrive in the bus station in the town centre and continue chatting, gradually getting to making our goodbyes once again.
I'm not entirely sure if it was serendipity *looks up the actual meaning... Yes, it could have been* or whether it was just Karma sitting on my side of the poker table having gone all in with a Full House against a pair of Jacks, but at the moment that we embraced, I saw The Ex. She saw me and, not for the first time this year, seemed to go a funny shade of off-white and green, especially as I was in the embrace of a very attractive young lady, who was holding a pushchair in her free hand. This Girl turns and recognises The Ex, and proceeds to plant a kiss on my lips.
The moment then becomes as sweet as a honey glazed jam doughnut, sprinkled with chocolate powder, sugar and topped with sprinkles.
The Ex glares at me with a look that could sour vodka (Yes, you read it right) and adds a shade of red to her cheeks. She gives the same look to This Girl and the pushchair, clearly adding 2+2+2 in her head and possibly making 6 (or 222 in this case) and speeds up her pace, veritably marching past with a look somewhere between anger and incredulity. Me and This Girl simply smiled at each other, embraced again, said a proper goodbye and went our separate ways.
Flash-forward to Saturday night, and a dream involving This Girl and myself. This time, however, the child is mine, and I'm left with a crippling fear of the future and similarly incredulous feelings as to the day's events.
So this morning, I woke up feeling bad inside, like I had actually been the father of the child, and then had rejected the idea. So yes, if it was Karma dealing a Full House yesterday, it would seem the scales have been reset. Well played, Karma.
Next time though; Don't fill me with doubt.
Sunday 23 June 2013
Thursday 20 June 2013
"When I leave CSI, there won't be any cake in the breakroom. I'll just be gone." - Gil Grissom #17
Given the nature of yesterday, this line has been rattling round in my head.
Not in the kind of mortality way my late dad's birthday might have inspired, but generally.
Tomorrow (Or tonight, depending on how you look at a day) is a joint birthday party for a pair of good friends of mine...
Or are they?
That's really the question here; when does a best friend become a good friend, and a good friend a friend, and a friend an acquaintance?
I've known one of these two since we were at school, and granted we never always saw eye-to-eye (I always thought he was the dorkiest of the dorks because he knew a lot about computers, and he probably saw me as a thick fuck but whatever) but since we left that place, he's grown into a decent guy and, for the longest time, was a damned good friend. In recent years he's moved house, got married and is now living the life of a grown up young adult (both of which I refrain from calling myself) and I can't help but feel that he sees me as a bit of a loser. He's well within his rights to, after all.
The other, I've not known quite as long; she was the object of a friends desires on and off for about three or four years, and it's by her design (almost) that the former and his wife met. Since we first met, she too has grown up and, while she may either not admit it or hide it well, also probably sees me as a bit of a loser.
Yes, yes, I know. It's paranoia talking!
This isn't my issue.
My issue is this.
I've spoken to one of them once since November.
She was on hand recently after it turned out my depression may not be depression, but he wasn't.
And not for the first time in my life, I found myself thinking; Will anyone miss me if I leave?
Again, that's paranoia talking and I know some people will miss me (before you, yes you, you know who you are rush to tell me) but really, am I that bothered if my old friends don't notice?
Obviously, I am. I'm writing a blog at 1am BST discussing the fact of leaving.
It's got me thinking though.
When the time comes for me to me to leave, be it this house, a future job or even the town/country I'm currently living in, how do I want to leave?
Quietly, is my answer. It's not my usual style, granted. I don't want parties and cards and cake. The day before I leave, or maybe even the day I leave, I will make my goodbyes to those that matter. I'll metaphorically turn up my coat collar, pull down the brim of my hat and be carried off by the next strong breeze. Maybe I'm a fish destined to outgrow every pond I find myself in, or maybe I've got to keep on moving to find my perfect pond. I'm fast outgrowing this pond I'm in though, that much is clear. Trouble is, I don't know where the next pond is. I don't know if it's big enough for me, whether its full of weeds or predators, or even if it has a little pearl in it that's just right for me.
I think one day soon it may be time to snap some deadweight weeds from around myself, and take the leap out of the water.
N.
Not in the kind of mortality way my late dad's birthday might have inspired, but generally.
Tomorrow (Or tonight, depending on how you look at a day) is a joint birthday party for a pair of good friends of mine...
Or are they?
That's really the question here; when does a best friend become a good friend, and a good friend a friend, and a friend an acquaintance?
I've known one of these two since we were at school, and granted we never always saw eye-to-eye (I always thought he was the dorkiest of the dorks because he knew a lot about computers, and he probably saw me as a thick fuck but whatever) but since we left that place, he's grown into a decent guy and, for the longest time, was a damned good friend. In recent years he's moved house, got married and is now living the life of a grown up young adult (both of which I refrain from calling myself) and I can't help but feel that he sees me as a bit of a loser. He's well within his rights to, after all.
The other, I've not known quite as long; she was the object of a friends desires on and off for about three or four years, and it's by her design (almost) that the former and his wife met. Since we first met, she too has grown up and, while she may either not admit it or hide it well, also probably sees me as a bit of a loser.
Yes, yes, I know. It's paranoia talking!
This isn't my issue.
My issue is this.
I've spoken to one of them once since November.
She was on hand recently after it turned out my depression may not be depression, but he wasn't.
And not for the first time in my life, I found myself thinking; Will anyone miss me if I leave?
Again, that's paranoia talking and I know some people will miss me (before you, yes you, you know who you are rush to tell me) but really, am I that bothered if my old friends don't notice?
Obviously, I am. I'm writing a blog at 1am BST discussing the fact of leaving.
It's got me thinking though.
When the time comes for me to me to leave, be it this house, a future job or even the town/country I'm currently living in, how do I want to leave?
Quietly, is my answer. It's not my usual style, granted. I don't want parties and cards and cake. The day before I leave, or maybe even the day I leave, I will make my goodbyes to those that matter. I'll metaphorically turn up my coat collar, pull down the brim of my hat and be carried off by the next strong breeze. Maybe I'm a fish destined to outgrow every pond I find myself in, or maybe I've got to keep on moving to find my perfect pond. I'm fast outgrowing this pond I'm in though, that much is clear. Trouble is, I don't know where the next pond is. I don't know if it's big enough for me, whether its full of weeds or predators, or even if it has a little pearl in it that's just right for me.
I think one day soon it may be time to snap some deadweight weeds from around myself, and take the leap out of the water.
N.
Tuesday 18 June 2013
Tuesday Typeset #16
So, it's my first Blog of June - Shock Horror!
Currently listening to 'Journey of the Sorcerer' by The Eagles (Bonus points for anyone who knows the alternative name of this Opus!)
I honestly can't work out how or why I've been this last 18 days... So many little ups and downs it's almost impossible to track them all...
The weekend in Cambridge went really well - Lots of recording done, some great food and ale were sampled, a fantastic gig was played and many laughs were had being beaten at Monty Python Fluxx.
This is the second incarnation of Fluxx I've played and I have to say I love the game IMMENSELY! Looney Labs have done an amazing job and I can't wait to play other incarnations, both present and future!
The plan for today? Wait for a phone call, and probably tidy and sort my books (of which there are many!)
Until next time!
N.
(I also think I've fallen in love... Shit.)
Currently listening to 'Journey of the Sorcerer' by The Eagles (Bonus points for anyone who knows the alternative name of this Opus!)
I honestly can't work out how or why I've been this last 18 days... So many little ups and downs it's almost impossible to track them all...
The weekend in Cambridge went really well - Lots of recording done, some great food and ale were sampled, a fantastic gig was played and many laughs were had being beaten at Monty Python Fluxx.
This is the second incarnation of Fluxx I've played and I have to say I love the game IMMENSELY! Looney Labs have done an amazing job and I can't wait to play other incarnations, both present and future!
The plan for today? Wait for a phone call, and probably tidy and sort my books (of which there are many!)
Until next time!
N.
(I also think I've fallen in love... Shit.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)