Thursday, 10 October 2013

Without a Title #22

It's really been that long since I posted... August 11th? Good lord!

Well, thanks to my new meds the weight lost hasn't gone quite as planned.

It's actually going fucking backwards and I've put on a stone.

This in and of itself has been enough to get me feeling pretty shitty recently (as you can imagine) and I am left at a loose end as to what exactly to do about it (apart from the unhelpful option of eating more) Still, in that sense it is at least my own doing. After all, one cannot get fat if one doesn't put food into ones mouth.

Sede Vacante has passed so I can now no longer use that as an excuse for not doing stuff...

I'm left asking, quite simply:

Where has my drive for things gone? 

I have moments where I flare into life, then as quickly as the drive flares up, it is extinguished.

(Why, why, WHY has iTunes decided to play a Christmas song?)

This then brings me to my next worry; the Xmas party.

Readers of my blog may recall a wedding a year or so back, (probably linked to my feelings of her and that girl) And said couple are now expecting a human-baby-child.

Looking down the Facebook guest list reads like a very depressing story for a singleton.

Married couple. Couple. Couple. Couple. Couple. Couple.

Only one other single person on the list.

I don't fear a matchmaking;  I fear a general questioning of my obviously declining social standing (as nightly high as ever it was)

Part of me wants to go. The part I should probably listen to. The part of me that can accept being the last one jobless/single/still at home. He'll probably have an amazing time seeing old friends and meeting the new ones brought into the group.

Ha. The Group. The collective of 6 friends; three awkward boys from one school, three slightly less awkward girls from a different one, joined by some strange and contrived reason.

The Group now consists of (mostly) co-habiting couples, talking couple things like house prices.

(At this point it should be noted; I had planned to talk more at length about what has gone on, but the mood fled like a morning lover and I was left in the bed, sheets soiled and regrets left unspoken. I find the growing and tiresome inevitability of my situation too much to run from sometimes. Sometimes I think it may be easier if I just stand still and allow the beast to tackle me, savagely pull me down and tear into the remnants of my soul. Who knows. Maybe there is in fact, nothing wrong with me, and I am forever stuck to repeat the same fucked up loop of life.)

A quick post #23

With the 12 or so remaining minutes of battery life left on this laptop--


0:09 minutes as I am now reliably informed.

I have just had a moment.

"That's not unusual." I head you say, in your bold-type.


Yes, it is.


I've never placed myself as 'normal.' Normal doesn't exist in my mind, both as a regular and mentally ill person. Normal means as much to me as 'nice.' (I will elaborate on 'nice' at a later date.)


Okay, so.

I'm wrestling in my head with this self-obsessed, whingy, asinine and nonsensical conflict over (What else) a woman.

0:05 (Yes computer I know don't fucking count down!)

We knew each other once, a while ago, about the time I was dating The Ex. 



So, I asked myself "What am I scared of?" (Well, I asked 'what are YOU scared of?' but...)

I thought to myself "Maybe it'll be good for me. She's nouveau Bohemian,  maybe I need to get back to my artistic roots.

Then I asked...

Am I too old to be Bohemian?

(Computer dies)